This was written in 2014…

Have you ever gone back to a decision that was made and analyzed how it affected your life?  What type of ripple it made in this world, not only yours but others as well?  I was thinking about this today because I have been asked to speak to some teenage girls on my life as a teenager.

At the age of 13 my dad died of a massive heart attack, needless to say that affected me greatly, especially at that time.  Being a teenager, without a father, with a lot of hurt and anger= stupid decisions.  

Up until the time he died, I was the apple of his eye, he was always there.  He went to every game, helped me with school, supported me in dance and everything else I did.  We used to spend every weekend in the summer up north together as a family on the lake.  What a great time I had growing up.  And then, all of a sudden, God took him from me, at least that’s the way I saw it.  I blamed Him for everything, instead of turning to Him for everything.  I was, as the old song goes, “looking for love in all the wrong places”.   Looking for fulfillment in everything but Him, the only one  that can actually fulfill me.  What a sad state to be in.  

Remembering my teenage years, I felt alone, yet strong.  Insecure, yet arrogant. Bull headed, yet scared.  Wow what a time of crazy emotions, and trying to find out who I was.  The main problem was I was going through all of this “alone”.  At least in my state of mind I was.  I blamed God, and without Him, what else is available?  I had a Father who loved me, but I turned from Him.   From my teenage years through my mid twenties, I was searching.  Searching for what?  Answers…  Answers to all my questions that most teenage girls, who grew up without a father, or an absent father would have.  Will someone love me?  Am I good enough?  Am I not worthy? Why do I feel that I need to do these things to feel loved?